Friday, May 28, 2010

I will...



I have been to a LOT of weddings. I have been in a lot of weddings (9 or 10 depending on what you classify as “in”). And, if I have done my math correctly, and accurately assessed my current relationships, I would anticipate that my wedding going days are far from over. And at this point, I don't think it should come as any great surprise to you, that I happen to LOVE weddings. They are kind of “my thing”.

I LOVE love and ritual and strapless dresses. I LOVE standing in front of people, and holding flowers, and listening to proposal stories. I LUH-OVE fancy pigs in blankets and dancing and communal agreement. And maybe most of all, I LOVE lines of gentlemen in tuxedos. (You must have seen that last one coming, right?) But in all my years of nuptial extravaganzas, I had, until last week, never had the pleasure of attending a vow renewal ceremony.

I wasn’t quite sure what to think about this type of invitation at first. It would be kind of like a wedding, but not exactly-- I’m thinking less nerves all around, but also fewer strapless dresses. I had my doubts that this “re-do” would be as romantic or exhilarating as a “real wedding”, but, I agreed to attend because I love these people and their children and the community of faith to which we all belong.

I arrived at the mountain-top where this shindig was to begin and immediately saw the bride and groom, standing together, greeting all of their guests. “TOGETHER BEFORE THE CEREMONY!?!?,” little anal-retentive Kerri screamed from deep inside me. But bigger, happier, Kerri saw the beauty –the freedom-- in choosing familiarity over formality at this particular juncture in life. So I thanked the guests of honor and found a seat on the stone ledge at the back of the little chapel.

Then, at sunset, as the most perfect of breezes passed over us, the pastor began the ceremony and I cried, as is my practice. “Promises," he said, "are a way of hinging yourself to someone else’s future." I cried harder, as also tends to be my practice. I cried remembering my one and only cynical stage in life, during which I came to believe that all promises should be outlawed. Vows, it stood to reason then, were fickle and untrustworthy sentiments dangerously springing forth from some prideful well inside of each of us, pretending to know how, and who we would become in a few moments or months or decades. Lets face it, people make promises all the time with honest intentions and then their dads die or they gain 50 pounds or they move to a new city and meet someone more interesting.

Nevertheless, here we all stood as a congregation watching two people who made promises and who kept enough of them along the way to celebrate 25 years together. They repeated the vows of their youth, agreeing in front of God and these witnesses that if given the choice, they would do it all again; and then they invited us to their home for appetizers and champagne toasts.

I smiled as I arrived at their house realizing that there were no strangers at this reception, meaning no “Some guy at this wedding is going to fall in love with me” fantasies. But somehow the evening in and because of that once troublesome familiarity proved to be quite magical. I am sure the evening air and romantic white lanterns played some part in the night’s dreaminess, but largely it was the company that we kept. No one there was obligated to be my dance partner and yet, I danced. I danced more than usual, if I'm being honest. Because, in this community I am known and I am loved outside of the boundaries of obligation.

These people have seen me in pajamas and bad moods. For goodness sake, some of them have even seen me in swimwear! And still, I am loved and I am chosen by them. And it is true that sometimes this group-- these people-- have not been what I had daydreamed and doodled about in my more sophomoric understanding of relationships. But, in as much as it is possible and knowing as much as one can know, I am willing to hinge myself to their futures. Because, at the end of an evening twirling and stumbling with these children, sages and friends, I pledge that I too, would do it all over again.

And so,
prayer by prayer,
one step in front of the other,
as days domino into years,

I will.

7 comments:

Amy Hadley said...

I want to have a vow renewal ceremony! Like, once a year, on our anniversary. One white dress really isn't enough. Puh-lease. Seriously, tho, this sounded lovely. Glad you danced more than usual.

Seth Hart said...

We love you too! Thanks for coming. Oops, should I assume a fake identity like Brad Pitt to leave comments. FYI guys, this is Brad Pitt. Seth is my secret online cover. Don't tell the press. I'm diggin the blog, Kerri Fisher.

Bethany said...

Beautiful post!

Kerri said...

OMG, right on the heels of this post I have been asked to be in another wedding of sweet, dear, friends...so on with the merriment! Thanks to all you sweet commenters! BTW, Did u guys realize I was so close with Brad Pitt?

Señorita Corazon said...

You are such a wonderful writer with such a lovely spirit. Keep 'em coming, friend!

Kerri said...

Senorita Corazon, Thank God you have finally joined us, a hearty ditto is warranted.

Leslie said...

Ok Kerri, I am catching up! This post made me ball like a baby!!! I need some funny now! :)

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