Sunday, January 9, 2011

Monday Night Lovin'

I didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to disappoint those of you who, doubtless, tune in each week with hopes that you will be hit with another dose of some matter of unshakeable spiritual profundity. I hesitated to begin typing. I thought about my duties as a spiritual, and more specifically as a Christian woman. But when I look at myself in the mirror each morning I have to ask myself this question: How can a girl market herself as a sort of pilgrim in the land of singleton silliness, and knowingfully neglect to speak out on a little program that America’s Broadcasting Company calls,

The Bachelor.

She can’t, ladies and gentleman. It would be dishonest, a disservice a disgrace to avoid such a disgrace. And yes, some will say that if anything this sort of television demotes my spiritual self. And I wouldn’t put up much of a fight with you on that point. But, in the words of my mother,
I don’t drink,
I don’t do drugs,
I don’t participate in cross gender sleepovers of any variety
so a girl has got to have a guilty pleasure or two.

And with that long of an intro, you might have guessed that it is time for one of my luscious little lists, but before I present you with “ Quotable Quotes that make me Love ABC's The Bachelor I should provide a brief, unbiased description of the show for those who have managed to avoid it for its 15 seasons of glory.

So here goes:

25-30 women with low self esteem (allegedly) compete for the love of one (usually) well-to-do buff man. They win this stallion-man’s affection through a series of awkward group dates whereupon he serial kisses 5 to 12 women who are “really falling for him”. When a lovely lady finds a way to stand out of the crowd in a manner that pleases the bache (AKA hot-tub straddle scenes, emotional breakdowns arousing his need to guard and protect, and in this particular season showcasing vampire teeth.) She can make it to a one- on- one date to some simple, real –world- inspired destination (AKA dinner atop the Eiffel tower, serenaded by James Taylor and followed by your regular end of the date-adrenaline-riddled bunji jump down to safety on Paris’ cleared and lantern-lit streets below.) Whichever ladies make the best impressions each week are presented with roses from the man in charge and the other women scorned are immediately sent home in limousines where they say amazingly embarrassing and bipolar things, i.e. “I know it has only been 2 and a half weeks, but I really thought he was the one. I was really in love with him. I hope he burns in hell for keeping those other trashy girls around.” Then she drinks a bottle of liquor, preps questions for, After the Final Rose. And eventually after we have seen enough of those rides our man pretends to be completely torn between the final two contestants, then publicly rejects one last girl for the awkwardest of limo-ride confessionals and then selects a woman to be his….uh well, sometimes his wife, sometimes his g.f. who he promises to eventually propose to in the future and one time to no one at all. That Bachelor’s name was Brad—an Austin Boy.

And Brad is back! And guess what? If you are late to the, ehem ,Bachelor Party, as it were, You have missed but one episode and it can be found online. You’ll want to finish each episode with the bachelor recap at and now that you know what you are in for I can continue on to my list…

“ Quotable Quotes that make me Love the Bachelor”

Alas…I fear I have gone and used up to much of my word-count on the intro to this long-planned list-o-mine. So I do believe I will have to make this a two-parter. I will gather more bachelor inspired quotes on tomorrow’s episode and get back to you with a post or maybe even a new blog section? But, until then, what say you sisters (and brothers). Do you forgive me for my bachelor love? Accept me? Amen me? Applaud me? Disown me? Have I convinced you to join in, if you were previously unaware or otherwise uncommitted to this Monday night phenomenon? Let me know!

Kerri K.